Come and gone

NaBloPoMo has come and gone once again. I am saddened that this year I found a grand new total of zero blogs to follow. At the same time, blogging everyday wasn’t as hard as u thought it would be. And it was more fulfilling. Plus, lesbianfamily.com has led me to some new gems. So, I kept blogging. Plodding along. Writing letters into the darkness.

Speaking of darkness, my new IPhone is allowing me to read blogs while walking my dog at night. And, on a night like tonight, when I know I will not have the energy to blog once I go back inside, it is allowing me to blog, from outside where I am standing in the rain waiting for the dog to “go” and feeling pretty proud of a NaBloPoMo successfully completed.

I can’t find the badge for completing it this year… so I am taking this:

Thank you Albanians everywhere!

This blog goes back to December 2006.  It has never had a large following.  In my prime, I was getting about 86 hits a day.  Recently, numbers have fallen to around 60 hits a day.  I have been fine with this.  Willy-nilly writing whatever comes to mind, posting a recipe or photo here or there.

Then I posted the Google Doodle for Albanian independence. In less than 36 hours, 3,629 people have come to see this post!  Let me repeat: three thousand six hundred twenty nine people have come to see that post.  That is 2.5% of all people who have ever visited my site!

I am astounded.  My stat chart is going to be very lopsided for the next month.

I am sad that these aren’t readers who will stay or engage in the conversations that I like to have.  However, I am happy that the picture I took allowed Albanians outside of the Albania-Kosovo-Macedonia region to see their Doodle.

Gender-free parenting?

I am not sure exactly how we got on the subject, but my husband asked if I would treat our child different if she were a boy.  He ascertains that he has (and everyone should have) a gender-less approach to parenting where sons and daughters are treated exactly the same.

I had to think about this.

The answer is “no”. And the answer is “yes”. It depends on how you answer the question.

I would treat them the same in that I fight for my children not to be boxed in by society’s gender roles.  I want my girls to explore science. To not be afraid of being strong, outspoken leaders. And I want my boys to explore the arts. To not be afraid of showing their feelings and being honest about what is important to them (even if it is not “manly”).

However, in that treating them the same and being the voice inside their head that speaks out against the ways society restricts them, my actions might be different.  I might spend more time encouraging my son to talk about and express a whole range of emotions.  I might spend more time encouraging my daughter to be interested in engineering.  Why? Because those are areas where our culture (in my estimation) is failing all children.

So, which is it? Would I treat a son different than a daughter?

Google Doodle is All Albanian Today!

You know you have hit the big time when the Google Doodle is about you, your country, or something you believe in.  Today, the google doodle is all Albanian.  Congrats Albania!

Albania celebrates 100 years independence

28 novembre 1912-28 novembre 2012, l’Albanie fête ses 100 ans d’indépendance. November 28th 2012, 100 years of Albanian independence. 28 de noviembre 2012, 100 años de independencia albanesa. 28 nëntor 2012, 100 vjet pavarësie., originally uploaded by Only Tradition.

The energy and joy in the streets is infectious. The speed with which the city and it’s inhabitants were decked out in red and black is staggering. The fact that I get two days off work is wonderful (my daughter isn’t sleeping great so the extra hours rest are needed).

Happy 100 years Albania!!!

Men talking about being taught

I hear women talk about feminism. I, as a woman, talk about my experiences. I am shaped by them. Feminism is a a piece of a road out that I hope I can build for my daughter.

Too rarely do I hear men talking about feminism, about the female experience.  There are exceptions– my own father being one of those– where men talk about the importance of feminism in their lives and about the way men are hindered by gender roles and segregation.

On Saturday, the annual 16 days of activism against gender based violence began.  Usually my posts revolve around how gender based violence effects women.  And it does.  Hugely!  Do you know that violence kills and disables as many women around the world as cancer does?  That is staggering.

This year, however, I want to start by talking about how gender roles and the way we inflict them on people negatively affects our boys and men.  They may not be victims of violence in the same way— but they certainly are victimized as well.

I came across this video and wanted to share.  Tony Porter is self-reflective, articulate, charismatic, and right.  Please watch.

How Little Elephant got her name

The Internets have spoken— as have many friends, family, and people on Facebook— and the verdict is that “Little Elephant” is a terrible online nickname for my daughter.  People worry about her feelings. People worry about her weight. People worry about self image. The truth is, so do I.  I am sure many posts on body image and what girls and women are taught will be forth coming.

However, the truth of e matter is that Little Elephant will continue to be such until she creates her own nickname.

Now, lest you think I am just cruel, let me ask: how did Little Elephant get her nickname and when?

I got pregnant while living in Kazakhstan.  This was not a country I wanted to give birth in.  My Russian was not up to par nor was their bedside manner or ability to respond in an emergency. My job agreed and planned to send me home when I was 34 weeks pregnant.

I was pretty sure of my due date as I am pretty sure I know exactly when my daughter was conceived.  The first ultrasound, at three weeks, confirms this. The second ultra sound, however, moved her due date up two entire weeks. The IRS ultrasound, shortly after, moved it up another week.  At the point when, Little Elephant was the size of a grape, she seemed to be growing at an astronomical rate.  Either that or the ultra-sound technicians were not to be trusted.  While I believed the latter, it seemed more politically correct to simply say I was growing an Elephant inside of me.  And thus you became Little Elephant, the child who could take on and love everyone else’s Little Peanuts.

The truth of the matter is that Little Elephant is quite a little skinny mini.  She hovers just under 50th percentile for height and well untied 10th for weight.  Like Dumbo, she is very loved by her mother. Like all kids, she will grow and be at her own pace.

I do have photos and art of elephants in her room.  There is actually a whole jungle theme going on, a bit heavy on the elephants.

I do not call her Little Elephant to her face. I call her by her name or a small grouping of nicknames.  When she hears Little Elephant, it is all love and no commentary on size.

Thanks for being concerned though.  Now… If I could just control the rest of the weight-gender based socialization she is getting!

On babies and books

My husband turned to me the other day and said: I get why kids books are so expensive. After reading one 4 billion times parents are willing to spend the money to have other choices.

The truth is, Little Elephant has many choices. Maybe not a full library, but several shelves. She is privileged. Her Nana in particular has been buying her books since before she was born; many from the church book fair and thus recycled. Her Mama (me) is a bit of a pack rat, so she has many of my books from childhood. She has books in Englsh, Spanish, Russian and Hmong (this one is bilingual as no one at home actually speaks Hmong).

Still, we always come back to her favorites. Currently she only wants to read board books because she likes to turn the pages. Favorites this week:

• Potty (definitely nr. 1 at the moment)
• The Foot Book (a close 2nd)
• Baby faces
• Perritos (Boyton in Spanish)
• The Feeling Book
• Buenas Noches a Todos.

Thankful

I am not celebrating thanksgiving today; although I had a nice turkey meal yesterday from the office cafeteria. I know, this seems implausible, but I promise, it was tasty. Still, I have a lot to be thankful for and I want to take five minutes to write them down lest I forget tomorrow.

• I have a healthy, happy, growing little bundle of joy who renews my faith in the world and love of life everyday. She is my joy.
• The friends and family I have who take the time to let me know I am loved and a part of their lives regardless of the miles between us
• That Harley is healthy and getting along well with the baby, even if she is a bit over protective.
• That friends have come to see us already and my parents just tickets. See! Albania is really not that far away.
• Technology that allows me to see the world but have the comforts of home.
• Indian food in the freezer, bagels sold locally, and a renewed joy of cooking.
• I have a job that I enjoy that gives me the freedom to spend qualitytime with my family everyday and the time and space so that at 17 months my daughter is still nursing.
• The ability to laugh when I make mistakes.

Am I teaching my toddler to trade affection for money?

My daughter has learned how to gives hugs. She gives great hugs. Personally, I believe, the best in the world. Of course, I might be biased.

In the neighborhood, Little Elephant is wonderful about sharing hugs with all our neighbors, adult and child. She usually gives them freely. However, sometimes, she doesn’t want to hug. At those times, neighbors will say “Little Elephant, if you give me a hug, I will give you some of my water” or “Little Elephant, if you give me a hug, I will take you to the play ground”. Of course, they say her real name. The things they offer are varying.

I am not at all condemning my neighbors actions. Heck, I bet I do it too.

That said, I have started to realize how we are teaching my daughter (and daughters– and probably sons- everywhere) to trade affection for favors and/or goods. What message does this send? Are we unintentionally teaching children that they affections are like currency?

Okay, you probably think I am going overboard and over thinking this. Maybe I am.

But.

Abused children are often controlled because they think they deserved to be sexually abused because they were compensated. Children trafficked into prostitution may be convinced that they are good to be sold and traded. Self esteem may become interlinked with what they can “get” using their bodies.

Yes. There is a jump between asking for a hug and prostituting minors. However, is the underlying message the same?

***Disclaimer: Please note that I do not think my neighbors are intentionally sending this message nor do I see warning signs that my daughter is at risk of being sexually abused by any of them. I use this as a wider conversation piece and not as an attack on those in my life.